English Language Humor

Allegedly from actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine:

(Contributor Unkown)

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs...
Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.